I considered starting a substack, writing under a pseudonym - I’ve always wanted to be Eva Beck or Eva Danza (as referenced in my notes app under the title “possible pseudonyms” with some other contenders circa 2014) - but then I remembered my ‘ol blogspot. My dear and very special blogspot.
My partner has been having an affair. Here's a summary:
1. Mountains of lies and gaslighting = broken Rebecca
2. The truth eventually comes to light. My gut instinct gets to meet reality.
3. destruction. despair. mental health break down. surviving but barely. insecurity. self doubt. triggers triggers triggers. pain. anger. conflict. defensiveness. rumination. obsessive research.
4. 360 spin on perspectives: being on the other side, truly understanding the importance of integrity and respect (maybe for the first time). a reckoning with my past.
5. If my partner had been physically abusing me, the other woman would have wanted nothing to do with him. But somehow emotional abuse is tolerated. It's perhaps even an attractive quality? A "caring victim" needing love and validation?
6. Disgusted.
7. Couples therapy. Excavations. Stuck in destructive cycles. Relief, connection and then even more pain. Heaviness.
8. Alone at home. A weird performative photoshoot with a face covered in makeup. Trying on black tights and outfits that expose my legs.
9. Loosing sight of who I am. Ungrounded. Floating. Making big mistakes at work. Stress. Can't take sick leave because I'm sick in my brain.
10. Metaphor: It's like I've been in a big crash. I have broken bones, bandages covering open wounds, I need morphine. The healing needs patience and care... and there's always the risk of further infection. If I move in the wrong way a wound might unexpectedly open. Unfortunately, my partner was driving the car. It was a mistake... he was driving drunk. But he'd chosen to get pissed at the pub over and over again. The other woman encouraged him to get in the car. She told him it would be okay. That he was "trying his best". He crashed into me even though I was doing everything right: I had waited for the green man and was even wearing a helmet. But he ran the light at an incredible speed and crashed into me, and the crash is inside my brain.
